Statistically speaking, I am your cliche' 40-something, never been married adult woman who has been caring for my parents since I was about 26. The media loves to remind me that it is much more likely that I am struck by lightning or become a victim of terrorism than it is for me to fall in love and get married.
For more than 20 years now I have put my aging parents' welfare in front of my own. My mother passed suddenly 17 years ago already, but my father, now 95 1/2 is still proving that a frail old man can be a tank with nine lives. I am certain that it is his good Polish genes and his sense of humor that caused him to defy the odds repeatedly.
Having barely enough money to support my own household, it has been such a major financial, time, and emotionally taxing journey that is all worth it when I see him smile and still experience a witty repartee'.
I read so much about the challenges of children who live in other states and those who need to pay for medical care, but I don't read much about those who live 15 to 50 miles away who's parent still lives alone and are mostly independent but still need care.
After the sudden passing of my mother at a young age of 72, for the first time in his life my father at 78 now lived alone, lived out in the country in a house that they built 40 years prior that was a whopping 3,600 square feet sitting on 2.5 acres. All of this needed a tremendous amount of care, not to mention that he was bored and lonely. For me, it meant that my Friday night, Saturday, and Sundays were spent helping, cleaning, feeding, and entertaining my dad. He never asked for help but I knew he was grateful. The drive to his house was 20 minutes each way. In the years before my mother died she had grown tired of cooking. That meant that few spices and foods were in the house. This also meant that I had two choices to feed him: Either I would go take him out for each of our meals OR I would buy, haul, and prepare meals to his house to save money. I chose the latter. It really bugged me over the years why people always asked me how I could still be single. Wasn't it obvious? I had exchanged my own wants and needs for a family to assist the man who had taken care of me for more than 18 years. Working full time by day, I spent my weekends caring for him. Taking him on drives or a myriad of events to stimulate his mind. As he aged and the house started falling apart it because more and more difficult.
As the years and decade slipped away, eventually his medical condition changed and new arrangements had to be made. First we moved him to a 55+ apartment. Next he moved in with my brother in a nearby village. Finally, he resides in an assisted living facility that is about 10 minutes from my home.
His medical care expenses are covered by his insurances and social security checks and now I no longer have to buy, carry, and pay for his groceries. When I visit now, I can once again just be a daughter and an admirer. I give myself permission to let others be the caregivers. It is excruciating to watch this pillar of a man turn old on me. His frail condition has diminished his quality of life substantially, but his now fading memory erases some of his pain.
I still do the little things that make him smile. I rub his feet, I add colorful lights to his room and don the walls with photos printed large enough to see. I put a channel on the TV to something that I know he enjoys. But, mostly, I just love him and keep him company as the minutes and hours fade into nights.
Through these hard years I put more of the responsibility of dad's care back onto my other siblings. I let go and let them pick up the slack. Once I did that, wouldn't you know... with time for myself I finally found the man of my dreams, my best friend, my twin, and kindred spirit!
In the following posts I will share with you ideas, tips, and information that I used to survive. Given that I am middle aged, my fiance's parents are in good health and are 86. So then, the process begins once again, but THIS time I have experience AND I have a partner.
I have been blessed with a resourcefulness and a creative mind so I've created some brilliant memories over the years. The world might just be a better place if I share with you what I have learned and created for you to use in your own lives with your own parents. Caregiving to your elderly parents does not have to be an all-or-nothing game. It can be a win-win if you let yourself have a life to go with it.
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